Addictions - My friend may have a drinking problem.

How can I tell if a problem exists?

The focus of this page is at times specific to drinking.  You can substitute and I have substituted the word drinking with substance dependent and addictive behavior(s).

Read through the following behavior clues:

1. Their use of alcohol or other addiction substance / behaviors increased. They do things while they're involved in the addiction and later deny or say they forgot.
2. They refuse to talk about the addictive behavior.
3. They make and break promises to stop their addiction.
4. Most of the people they are friends with are users.
5. They make excuses and justify their use.
6. Their behaviors change when they're using.
7. They avoid social functions where alcohol isn't served or other addictive substances are not available.
8. They sometimes drive while under the influence.

Your friend's behavior is not the only clue to the existence of a problem. Your own behaviors and feelings can be revealing.  Read through the following clues and decide which sound familiar:

1. I'm afraid to be around them while they use.
2. I'm suspect of their promises.
3. I feel anxious and tense around them.
4. I don't trust them.
5. I feel embarrassed when they're using.
6. I feel guilty when they're using.
7. I lie about them to other people.
8. I hate holidays because those are the times when they are likely to use.
9. I make excuses for them.
10. I am afraid to ride in the car with them when they have been using.
11. Sometimes, after the addiction episode, they apologize for the way they acted.
12. They hide alcohol or other paraphernalia around the house, in the garage or in the car.

Can I help someone who doesn't want help?

People have believed that a person must hit bottom before he or she is in a position to get help.  To a degree this is true.  However, experience has proven that this is a fallacy.  You've all heard the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."  You can make it thirsty, you can put salt in its oats! Research has proven that "not helping hurts."  It was discovered that we were "killing people with kindness."  

As a result of this knowledge, friends and family of the addicted person began to take away support from the addiction.  Sometimes, this step would lead the person from the crisis towards seeking treatment  or to an emergency room before it was too late.  People with addictions no longer had the support for their addiction.  Most addicted people have family, friends, coworkers or classmates who care and have tried to get him/her to accept the reality of the problem.  Ultimately, due to the disease's symptom of  "denial," the ones trying to help may give up and decide that they cannot do anything.  However, the nature of addiction often leads to times of crisis.  

These times of crisis present a window of opportunity to feel the pain and possibly see the nature of affects of the disease on the body, mind and spirit of the individual, their family and friends.  Here, we have reached the subject of how you will choose to behave.

What is codependence?
Addiction is a disease of isolation.  In reality, addiction is rarely an individual problem.  For every addicted person there are at least four other people effected by the disease.  The term "codependent" goes hand-in-hand with the term "enabler."  Treating the enabler's "behavior," the individual actions or inactions that support the addiction is as critical to treating the disease as treating the addicted person.  In fact, most experts believe that codependence is a disease in itself.  Understanding how "enabling" works is the first step in helping both the addicted person and the codependent seeking help.

I don't understand.  Who is an enabler?
Most often enablers are persons who genuinely care about the addicted person's family, friends, co-workers and clergy.  Their love and concern, unfortunately, may lead them to do things that actually help the addiction and not the person they love or care about.  Typical behavior of the codependent is:

1. Covering for, making excuses, inventing reasons for absenteeism, tardiness, or other inappropriate behaviors such as "nodding out" during work or play.
2. Becoming "the hero" to the addicted person.  Taking on the responsibilities of the person with the problem; in this way, "the hero" has joined the disease in the denial of the problem.
3. In these and other shielding behaviors, they encourage the addiction and help the addicted person avoid the ramifications or consequences of their addiction related behavior.

What is denial?
Denial is a sincere delusion that no problem exists.  It is not simply refusing to admit the problem.  People near death because of their addiction sometimes continue to believe that they do not have a "drinking" or other addictive problem! The addicted person will make excuses such as, "If you had a family like mine, you would drink too."  I can't be an alcoholic. I only drink beer!  I am not addicted to pornography; we go out one night a week!  Whatever the addiction, it is minimized or trivialized.  When you challenge the denial defenses, you will probably get the cold shoulder & the silent treatment.  Your loyalty to the person will be questioned as the addicted person tries to turn the table around and challenge what is wrong with you (diverting your attention and stabilizing guilt or shame when you question them).

Don't be discouraged by this cycle.  When you are speaking to your friend or loved one who is active in their addiction, you are not hearing the voice or seeing the actions of that person; you are getting responses from the addiction.  Your real friend or loved one is there somewhere, cloaked by the needs of the addiction.  Don't get discouraged.   If your friend or family member won't seek help, you may begin the healing process by treating yourself with education and compassion.  The way to deal with denial is professional intervention.

What is intervention?
Intervention is creating or managing a crisis, during which the addicted person is confronted in a loving, caring way by the people who care most about him/her.  Intervention is sometimes called tough love.  In recent years, thousands of alcoholics and other addicted or substance dependent people have achieved sobriety with the help of their families, friends, co-workers or classmates with the help of specially trained counselors to orchestrate a formal intervention.  Note:  A formal intervention should never be attempted without professional help.

How can I help?

Will I be successful?
Nearly 90 percent of interventions result in the person's choosing to seek treatment.  If you are reading this, you probably know someone who is hurting.  Remember, "not helping hurts." Your friend needs your help.

Your Employee Assistance Program website is for educational and informational purposes only. All information linked to site is not a substitute for professional diagnosis. A diagnosis for mental and/or medical illnesses can only be made by your cooperation with clinical evaluation from a healthcare professional. Please use the following links to enhance your education and willingness to reach out for help.